Monthly Archives: September 2012

crying for myself

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try as i might, i can no longer stop the tears from falling. for weeks that i kept on battling that urge to cry, unfortunately i lost. i cried for myself. i kept on telling people that i’m okay but honestly, i’m not. i kept on telling people not to hate him and for some, i kept my silence. but why is it that people think so badly of me? when was the last time that there was somebody who sincerely ask me if how i am doing? do i really deserve this? maybe, maybe not. i want to scream, i want to hate all of them. but i choose not to because they don’t deserve it. not because they didn’t do anything bad but because they don’t deserve a space in my mind and heart, even anger. so to all those people, the hell i care. goodbye.

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Mrs. Park

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to the girl who loves Korean artists and actors.  for the girl who is starting to love green and orange.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY JIE…  contrary to what you’ve said this morning, no i did not forget that today is your birthday.  i am just really busy with my sprint bug.  so as my mind, it’s really busy in thinking of my sprint bug. :((

Jojie is one of my closest cousin.  We grew up together.  From the time we learned how to walk, together with my sister, we usually spend our time together.  She is one of my many cousins whom I confide my secrets, frustrations in life and love and other matters.  I might get annoyed sometimes with her being so in love with those Korean actors, but I love her.  She is one of those few people who I cherish the most.

For this very special day of your life, I wish you all the best.  I really hope you can achieve your goal or dream in going to Korea for you to be able to see you beloved Mr. Park.(I forgot their names.  hehehe.)  Have a blast today.  God bless you.  I Love You.  Mwaaaahugzzz…

branding

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i’ve once read on a blog that when they announced to their friends about their plan of traveling, one of those friend commented that the choices that they make in life are so selfish.  is it really being selfish that you would think of your own happiness first, finding what you want in life?  in our family or among the many grandchildren of my grandmother have(mother side), i am always being brand as “tihik”, greedy, “maldita”, “strict” and snob.  honestly, i don’t really mind what my grandmother or other people really think of me.  they are just seeing that part of me because that’s what i am showing to them.  yes, i’m not like the other apo of my lola whom if she wants to ask something, they would really give it to her.  don’t get me wrong, i love my grandmother.  sometimes, whenever i could, i would give her some things or food that she would or might need and want.  if i have enough money to spare, i also treat my sister and cousins.  but i am also the kind of person who would also see to it that i have enough for myself before giving something to other people.  i am the type of person who makes sure that i am happy before i make other people happy.  i am also the type of person who won’t tolerate a certain action or attitude.  i might not say something that i don’t like it, but it doesn’t mean that i am supporting it.  like for instance, if you come to me whining about your lack of money, and i’ll find out that it’s your own fault why you are in that situation, don’t ever expect me to help you.  so, “tihik”, greedy, “maldita”, “strict” and snob, i don’t really care.

The Prayer

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Dear Lord,

Please don’t make it rain this weekend and the weekend after next.  It is okay for the next weekend to rain.  Just those two weekends Lord.  Please.  Thank you Lord.

Amen…

Time Flies…So Fast

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Time flies really flies.  I can still remember it clearly.  It was seven months ago when the first earthquake that struck in Cebu and other provinces in Visayas.  During that time, I was inside the Taxi bound to IT Park.  I was scheduled for an interview for my future employer.  I really did not notice the earthquake,  I thought it was just the normal shaking of the vehicle.  I also did not mind that the radio was suddenly quiet.  I thought manong driver just turned the radio off.  But then the  other drivers opened the window of their cars and talked to manong driver if he felt the earthquake.  The radio went back and the DJ announced that there was indeed an earthquake.(kung kahibaw palang ko mag earthquake, wala pata sa ko ning lakaw sa office para ma feel nako… ka exciting unta…  lols…)  When I arrive in IT park, everyone went out of the building.  There were so many questions bugging on my mind at that time.  What should I do?  Where will I go?  Should I just go back to the office?  Surely the TSTP people would understand.  But determined as I am to get a new job, I stayed in IT Park and went inside the TGU building.  When I went to the guard of the building to secure a guest id, he informed me that nobody is allowed to go upstairs.  I was again questioning myself.  I was beginning to panic.  My knees were already shaking.  I was already hungry.  I decided to go to Jollibee and eat my lunch and wait for an hour before deciding whether to go back to the office or wait till everything get settled.  After an hour, I went back inside the building and luckily, the security guard secured me a guest id.  But the sad part was, no one is allowed to ride the elevator.  “WHAT?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  DO YOU EXPECT ME TO GO TO 14TH FLOOR USING THE STAIRS?”  I did not say those words really.  Hehehe!  I was just whining in my mind.  Even if I was whining, I still opted to climb the building by stairs.   When I was already in 14th floor, there was nobody inside the office.  😦  I waited for several minutes while texting the HR manager of my whereabouts.  To cut the story short.  The HR manager texted me back and told me to go back downstairs and go straight to La Marea.  But the interview did not happen there.  They did the interview in Blue Elephant restaurant.  When I went back to the office, I was so late.  Hehehehe!  All of my misadventures during that day payed of.  I got hired and happily working in TSTP.  You might be asking. (or not)  Why am I blogging about that day.  Well, because today is my 6th month here in TSTP.  I am already a regular employee.  Weeeeehhhh!  Chika lang gud.  Hehehe!

Past vs. Present

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Yesterday, a friend and I were having this conversation about yearbooks, future self and other future and past stuffs.  I then mentioned to her that if my past self would see me right now, she would really be disappointed with me, worst, she would get really mad.  Why?  Let me enumerate the things that my past self would get upset to the present me.  To make it fair to the present me, I will also enumerate the things that the past me would be happy to see to the present me.

To be SAD:
1. Buying things that I won’t be needing without any second thoughts.
2. Doing the things which are not in the plan, such as, traveling.
3. Letting go of my dreams and goals.
4. Letting go of her love.
5. I still ain’t living in my own house.
6. Still having a hard time in voicing out what I want, in saying No.

To be HAPPY:
1. No longer a brat
2. I am more happier.  Will no longer rely to anyone with regards to my happiness.
3. More closer to my siblings and cousins
4. Have more time for myself, my family and friends.
5. I love myself more.
6. More stronger.  I have surpass everything that life has thrown at me.

That Thing Called Trauma

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A friend once commented on my being afraid to talk to people.  It was really a puzzle to him why I always ask him to talk to people to ask some questions even though I am the one who needs something.  Well, I think, it has got to do with what happened to me when I was still a kid.  One incident I could remember is when I was still in second grade in elementary.  Maybe, it started way before that time but, those years when I was under that certain teacher made a really big impact on why I have this fear in talking to people.  My teacher at that time, was a very strict one.  If your penmanship was bad, or your assignment has so many erasures, she would really call on your attention, yell at you in front of the class to reprimand you.  Even if I topped in class at that time, I admit it, I was quite a lazy student.  Hehehe!  I sometimes forget to make my assignments, forget to bring avocado for our science experiment, did not submit the mongo plant that I have planted for our science project and many more.  (But I still topped in class.  Bwahahaha!)  With all those times, our teacher would make me stand in front of the class and reprimand me.(I wasn’t alone though.)  I could still remember when she gets mad, her eyes would really go big and scary.  Those times really got into me.  I remember, for weeks, before going inside the classroom, we would line up outside the room, I then would suddenly cry.  I dreaded coming inside the room and face our teacher.  My classmates would have to send me to my mother’s office to make me stop crying.  From then on, whenever I have to talk to people, especially people who are older than me, at the back of my mind, that fear that they might yell at me is always there.  Sigh.  I’m trying my best to overcome that, especially when I’m alone and I have no choice but to talk to people and ask them some questions when I need to.   I hope someday, those fears will all be gone.

The Favor

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last Friday, my cousin asked me to watch the movie entitled “A Beautiful Mind”.  she told me that i have to write a reaction paper with ten sentences after watching the movie.  it was their assignment in school.  i agreed to her favor since i have nothing to do during the weekend.  Saturday morning, i then downloaded the movie.  while waiting for the download to finish, i watched the TV series entitled “Revenge”.  after 2hours of waiting, a message finally popped-up, telling me that the download is already done.  silly me, i forgot to copy the movie to another folder before clearing the download list, thus deleting the movie which made me download it all over again.  sigh.  i waited for 2hours again, and by the time it was finished, i was already so sleepy and i have to wake up early the next morning.

when i woke up the next day, i was welcomed by a bad headache.  so i decided to go back to sleep.  i woke up and got out of bed by 11 when my cousin Chay came.  after we’ve chatted a bit and I ate my brunch, i then prepared to attend the Sunday mass.  After the mass, Chay and i decided to go to SM to check out the sale in Payless.  When we decided to go home, i completely forgot that i have to watch the movie.  hehehe!  i remembered about it around 7PM and i was done watching it almost 10PM.  by the time i was done watching it, i was already sleepy so i decided to go to sleep without making a reaction paper and give it to Chay.  😦  Sorry Chay.

below are some lines from the movie that i really like.

Alicia: How big is the universe?
Nash: Infinite.
Alicia: How do you know?
Nash: I know because all the data indicates it’s infinite.
Alicia: But it hasn’t been proven yet.
Nash: No.
Alicia: You haven’t seen it.
Nash: No.
Alicia: How do you know for sure?
Nash: I don’t, I just believe it.
Alicia: It’s the same with love I guess.

Nash: What truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me to the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional, and back. I have made the most important discovery of my career – the most important discovery of my life. It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reasons can be found. I am only here tonight because of you
[looking at and speaking to Alicia]
Nash: You are the only reason I am. You are all my reasons. Thank you.

Behind These Hazel Eyes errrr… Black Eyes

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Behind These Hazel Eyes by Kelly Clarkson

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin’ could go wrong
Now I can’t breathe
No, I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it, can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that’s left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
‘Cause I can’t breathe
No, I can’t sleep
I’m barely hangin’ on

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it, can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don’t cry on the outside
Anymore…
Anymore…

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it, can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it, can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Complicated

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i can still remember when i asked a friend if she were to choose between the person she loves and the person that loves her, who will she choose.  she chose the person who loves her because she doesn’t want that person to get hurt, and she believes that you can learn to love a person.  While i on the other hand chose the person that i love.  yes i believe that you will learn to love the person eventually, but i’m the type of person who doesn’t want to regret, who will try to follow my biggest what ifs in life so that i won’t regret in the future.  but how will you know that you love that person, or you are just putting it in your head that you love him/her because you like the attention that he/she is giving to you?  how will you know that you don’t love the person who loves you if you don’t give your heart the chance to feel if you really love that person because you are blinded by your feelings to the guy whom you thought you love?  how about you, who will you choose?