Monthly Archives: November 2017

a mother’s heartbreak

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my dearest baby bear,

when i first found out that i was pregnant with you, i was so happy. i told your papa that i didn’t mind that i’ll look big on the pictures again on our church wedding, as long as you will be healthy. i was so eager for my second visit with my doctor so that i could hear your heartbeat and see you for the first time. but that day didn’t come.

november 17, 2017, i went to the emergency room of a hospital cause i was experiencing some spottings and blood clots. at around 12noon, the doctor told me that you have no heartbeat, as shown on the ultrasound and that you might be dead. i cried so hard upon hearing the news. it broke my heart, cause i prayed for you. i prayed that the Lord will bless me and your papa another angel. i went to my doctor’s clinic hoping that she would tell me the other way. indeen, she gave me a little hope that you might still be alive but a little too small thus, the other doctor did not see and hear your heartbeat. i went back home afraid but hopeful.

november 19, at around 4pm, the bleeding was even stronger. i prayed and prayed, hoping that you are okay but deep inside i know there is already something wrong. at 11pm, i began to feel some abdominal cramps and the bleeding was even more stronger. i called your lola at around 12am for them to fetch me and bring me to the hospital. despite of the medicine that they have given to me, you did not come out. it seems, you didn’t want to give-up.

my baby bear, know that even if you are not here with us, you are loved. you have left a big hole in my heart. goodbye my baby bear. i love you.

love,
mama

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